I was in my own little world at St Mary’s RC Church in St James

At the end of the 9:30 mass a little old woman sitting next to me touched my elbow. ” Miss you look so kind, may I ask you for a lift?” I looked down at her: a bald, wizened lady with a bandaged foot surrounded by Massy bags. She was the exact same “Mix” as my husband. Part Chinese and other things and very well spoken. She only had one tooth. She couldn’t even bite me in a fight.

“Where to?” I asked.

“Massy on French Street”

“Sure.”

We walked out of church and she started to tell me her story. ” I am 90 years old”

“Oh, I just turned 50. I hope I look as good as you at 90” (Except for the lack of hair and teeth I thought)

As we walked arm in arm to the car parked a few streets away she said “Thank you for helping me. I am all alone because my husband is deceased and my step children live away”

This immediately resonated with my worst fears: With my husband being older, I too might be 90 and alone with my two stepchildren living abroad.

“Oh, I said. I have stepchildren too”

She peered up at me and asked “Are you Syrian or a white Trinidadian?”

“A white Trini”.

“Oh, my father was British”. I nodded. She looked like it could be true.

“What is your husband? she asked

“Well actually he is a bit like you, Chinese, white and other things”

“Why isn’t he at church?”

“He is not very religious”

“Yes my husband didn’t find God until he was dying either”

As we rounded the corner to the street where I had parked, she pointed to my car instantly and said ” Oh is that yours?”. I knew then. We were no where near my car yet and the street was heavily lined with parked cars on both sides. But still, I was too far down the road and really when I looked at her I felt no threat. I was almost intrigued with what she was going to say next:

“Are you a doctor?” Ahhhh I thought. My suspicions were confirmed: This lady knew exactly who I was the minute I sat down next to her in Church. I know this because no one has ever, in the 25 years of me being a doctor, looked at me and instantly thought “She’s a doctor”. Unless maybe I am in hospital or clinic in scrubs and then they think I am a nurse. She probably knew very well that I had an older Chinese husband and 2 stepsons (who have both lived abroad too).

By this time she was in my car buckling her seatbelt. It would have been very awkward to ” back back” from the situation as they say. So off we went to Massy while I waited, now wearily, for the story to begin.

And so it duly did about her purse being stolen, only having $5 in her bank account and an evil landlord who was going to kick her out because she couldn’t pay rent.

“Where is your guest house?” I asked.

“Petit Valley”

I idly wondered why she wanted to go to to Massy French street rather than a closer massy then I realised: ” The ATM”

The conversation continued except now for every question she asked me I replied with a question of my own. Her husband was apparently French Canadian. His surname was ” Jeanne” or something. I asked her what he did ” He was a head hunter”

” For which company?”

“Jeanne and partners” she said without missing a beat” She was smooth!

I was in such horrified awe of how she had probably marked me out and how convincing she had initially been, that I decided it to stay “In character” and take her to Massy. We got out the car, I went to the ATM and I gave her some cash for the food and drugs she apparently needed. Even then, her perseverance was impressive .. “I just need $100 more”

“Sorry that’s all I have in my account”

“But you drive such a nice car”

“The bank owns it”

We looked at each other. She then knew that I knew, and I knew she knew. I thought that would be the end of our journey together. But no, we both stayed in character until the end. It was easier that way.

” Do you always go to that mass?” she asked.  “When I get my pension in 2 weeks I can pay you back”.

“I am not there, regularly and no need, consider it a gift.” (I just wanted to be rid of her now)

“Where is your office?”

“Town” I vaguely replied. Thinking, she probably knows where I work already. I will have to tell everyone to refuse her entry.

” I can return it”

” No please, not necessary”

“! will pray that your husband and stepsons find God”

“Yes, please do. Thank you.”

I immediately called my husband. I started to tell him the story and he interrupted me saying “Wait, is she a bald Chinese woman with no teeth?”

“Yes! She is a 90 year old female you, but with no hair and teeth”

“Honey, she is always outside Kappa in Glencoe. She has spoken to me before and I have given her money for medication.  She probably recognised the car and knew from overhearing conversations in the pharmacy who you were”.

Bingo.

I told my friend Stacey who was going to the later 11:30 mass. She called me after.

“Did you say an Indian lady”

“No she was Chinese”

Well, there is an Indian woman with a similar story at the 11:30 mass. I overheard her talking to people.

I sent out the alert on my group chats. Stories came flooding back. The bald lady has apparently fooled many of my friends outside various pharmacies. I am also told she has been banned from Assumption church. She hangs out in Rituals too asking people to buy her coffee. I heard so many stories about her that she probably has more money than me.

She probably lurks in places almost invisibly and watches and listens and picks up things about people. It must take a lot of effort, ironically the priest’s sermon at Mass was about using our talents. She has plenty and she obviously took his sermon to heart.

Still, at least she didn’t bite me.